Journal post 1 - Pumpkin soup and a broken wrist

[littleredchucks]

Tonight I have made pumpkin soup with cinnamon and nutmeg, French style bread rolls, chicken and cumin meat balls, steamed spinach and green beans from the garden, and a garlic yogurt dipping sauce for dinner. I have made jam donuts for dessert. I’m quite proud of myself, mostly for handling the raw chicken, but also for making food that I think my family will like and for not burning the house down or forgetting a key ingredient. 

See, my partner used to do dinner most nights, he really liked cooking and would read cook books for fun, but depression is a bitch, and it’s stolen that from him, as has his inability to stand for the time needed to make a meal, so while he’s fighting his brain’s desire to sap away his loves and hobbies, and until I get our kitchen set up to be properly wheelchair friendly at the stove (I need to get out my tool kit and rip out some cupboard and shelves), I’ve stepped up to do most of the cooking. It’s been a big learning curve but after three years I think I have finely got the hang of it. 
I only burnt myself once tonight. 
I’ve got a possibly broken wrist as well at the moment which has made things rather more complicated. I say possibly because I refuse to go in to emergency to have it x-rayed because the last two times I broke it I was in the hospital for six hours and then they just strapped it and sent me home. I don’t have six hours to spare anymore so I’ve strapped it myself and am just pretending it’s fine. 
Which brings me to the point of this post, rambling and disconnected as it may seem, which is that I am rubbish at self care. I constantly push myself to breaking and then pretend I’m fine when I know I’m not. I need to get better at self-care but that in and of itself is complicated. Over the last two months I have painted a great deal, it is my main creative outlet, but the housework really suffered for it, and I was fairly slack on the cooking and baking front too, the family got a lot of boring, simple, repetitive meals. And while painting is the main outlet for my soul, followed closely by writing, be it fanfic, original stories, or poetry, I need to pull myself back and find a balance. I can’t put myself first, I’ve got too much else to do. So what do I do? 

Well, I made little journals for my children this week, they were Hanukkah gifts, and this holiday has helped me get back in touch with that intimate, close relationship that is family, and how much I cherish it. I need to be present for my family as much as I can, which means finding outlets that take less time, less energy, less thought perhaps, but which are still fulfilling. I have given my children journals for their private thoughts and have decided that this blog can be my journal. I’m in a funny situation with it, I’ve only got one friend following this blog, and so I feel I can write what I choose. It’s a fresh start, which is quite delightful really. 

I will still find time for other writing and for painting of course but that will probably be in the evenings, once I’ve put everyone to bed. My daughter has a medication to be given through her PICC line at eleven p.m. so I have between eight and eleven to myself, to attempt creative endeavours, but this blog is a place where I shall attempt to write about my thoughts and my day and my life, at least for a little while, to soothe my soul and mind. I shall write as I have time, between giving medications, teaching, nursing, cooking and chores, and shall hope that it helps keep me sane, which is all the self-care I can hope for at present.

With love,

Chucks. xx

Comments

[culumacilinte]

First off, that food sounds fucking scrummy, hot goddamn, and second off, I'm glad you're trying to work on being better at self-care and finding a balance for all of that. It's tricky! Especially when one is juggling as many things as you are.

I'm trying to get better at checking my DW f'list! Even though I know it isn't called a f'list, my old school LJ fandom brain insists.

<3 <3