![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Journal entry two
Dec. 24th, 2018 06:19 am So, what have I learnt this last week? Mostly that I am very very bad at self care. I am full of good intentions but with no skill at following through. Part of the problem is definitely a lack of time. Being a full time carer leaves little room for luxuries or time out. And it’s a round the clock gig, which leaves me both time poor and tired. Add in to this the fact that it’s the holiday season and we’ve been making a lot of jam, lemon curd, tarts, and biscuits, as thank you gifts to all of our medical teams and therapists, as well as gifts for family, I’ve given myself rather too much to do.
But there’s another side to it as well. Why should I care for a body I am not in any way fond of, and which breaks down on me regardless of what I do? It’s an unhealthy thought process but one which I am struggling to fight against. And the root of this problem lies in my PTSD. It has gotten so much worse this year due to being retraumatised last year, and the flashbacks, the nightmares, the hyper vigilance, fear response to sound, to mess, to perceived danger, to setting foot in any sort of shopping centre or large space or car park have left me in a constant state of anxiety.
But there’s another side to it as well. Why should I care for a body I am not in any way fond of, and which breaks down on me regardless of what I do? It’s an unhealthy thought process but one which I am struggling to fight against. And the root of this problem lies in my PTSD. It has gotten so much worse this year due to being retraumatised last year, and the flashbacks, the nightmares, the hyper vigilance, fear response to sound, to mess, to perceived danger, to setting foot in any sort of shopping centre or large space or car park have left me in a constant state of anxiety.
I’m in constant battle with my head and my body, I’m constantly failing, constantly falling short. And I hate myself more than anyone else possibly could, yet always seek approval from others, only to be disappointed because even my best is so very mediocre.
I have packed away all of my paints today, have thrown away a dozen unfinished poems. I know I don’t have time for my hobbies but I also know that I’m punishing myself. I don’t really know where to go from here. I want to make New Years resolutions but am worried at how badly I’ll feel when I fail and I worry I’m too busy and too ingrained in my current routines to make real change.
